might as well jump


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Where I might as well jump is to finish my book about depression and send it to a publisher. Or maybe even self-publish. It’s not that I’m afraid it isn’t good. I’m actually very pleased with it. I know it would need editing but the content is right on. I’m an expert on me. I know what techniques worked for me in this battle and I know they will work for other people because they already have.

I’m not even afraid of whether it will be well-received or even ever sell one copy. I would like it to but that’s not why I wrote it. What I’m afraid of is people who know me will judge me. It’s not that they don’t know I’ve dealt with depression but to reveal so much of myself and my struggles in such a personal way is really scary to me.

I think I’m actually embarrassed by it because I know I’ve really had no reason to ever suffer an episode. But that’s what has made depression so awful-the fact that I have a wonderful husband, a good quality of life, great children, friends, lots of interests, and most importantly my relationship with my God and yet there’s been depression always lurking in the shadows of my mind. I feel somehow that I’ve “used” my depression to justify feeling sorry for myself.

But I digress.

What would it take for me to take the leap?  Well, I feel like I have to a degree. Blogging has given me the opportunity to put myself out there but, of course, it’s very safe. And I have a hunch I’m still holding back a little. My husband follows my blogs, but I’ve asked my children not to. I don’t post from my other blog to Facebook and am selective what I post from this blog. So all this manuevering probably shows that I’m not quite as out there as I think I am.

I’ll bet I’m one of the few people whose “might as well jump” post is about something that seems so innocuous and safe.  But for me, this is it.

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4 thoughts on “might as well jump

  1. Hi Rebecca. You don’t need a reason to be depressed. I have been clinically depressed for twenty-five years. I have no reasons, that I or psychiatrists, can find for my depression other than a chemical imbalance. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s just the way I’m made. I look forward to reading your book, whenever you decide to publish it. You’re not alone.

    Cheers,
    Dennis

  2. How may I encourage you to publish your book? I have started to write one — complete with an outline and several handwritten pages — but that’s all it is, a beginning.

    You put yourself “out there” on this blog quite often and I see no reason you shouldn’t share it with the rest of the world. Depression doesn’t need a reason to attack. And, believe me, anyone that thinks you use IT as an “excuse” for anything has never suffered from true depression.

  3. Kudos to you for writing about your experiences with depression. I have had several bouts with this horrible problem/disease throughout my life. Many of those times seemed to have been triggered by some life event, but not all of them. When it happens while on the surface, things seem fine, you end up feeling guilty about being depressed at all! Especially those of us who have a faith in a benevolent God. I totally understand wanting to hold back a little. When I was depressed, I did not share it with many people. I never wrote about it publicly, but looking back, if I had done that, it may have helped me. I hope that you do put it out there…get it published. People that will judge you are not really worth your time; it is the people that will be helped who should matter.

    • Thanks for your encouraging remarks. Yes, I think the writing of the book was the process that helped the progress. Blogging has proven to be the same thing for me. It’s as though my fingers type words that I never even thought. I read the words on the screen, like right now, and I have no conscious idea of where they came from. It’s as though I’m the reader and someone else wrote the words. Thank you again.

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