I’ve learned that depression makes one feel very helpless so I try to keep that door of helplessness shut. I remind myself that I’m the one who’s in the driver’s seat, not depression. (This has nothing to do with God interrupting my plans when ever He chooses.) I want to make sure I don’t let things happen to me willy-nilly. I’m not saying I have to plan every moment. It’s more of an inner awareness about why I’m doing what I’m doing. Am I doing what I’ve decided to do or has my depression decided for me? It about knowing what works for me. Being aware of why I’m doing what I’m doing works for me.
I know there are many who are reading this post whose every moment is filled. You would love the luxury of having some free time to worry about. This concept is still valuable though because awareness that you are indeed always making choices is valid for all parts of your life. (By the way, keeping frantically busy is just as bad as sitting in front of the TV.)
Depression seems to have a life of its own. At times it seems as though another person takes up residence inside us telling us what to do. And let’s be clear, the voice of depression will never direct you to do anything other than feed its veracious appetite.
So how do we become self aware? For me, anxious feelings make me sit up and take notice. If I bite my fingernails. (I hate admitting that.) If I find I’m munching on something constantly. Usually something sweet. If I don’t enjoy what I’m doing. If I can’t focus on what I’m doing. Probably most important, if I start to think too much. You’ll have to figure out for yourself what your red flags are. (I’m all for thinking and I’ll discuss the importance of choosing the right time to think about some deep issues on a later post. For now, just be aware that when you’re in a particularly low mood is not the time to think about too much about what bothers you. You will probably just end up in a worse mood.)
For today ask yourself-Am I mindlessly going through my day? Am I fully living in the present moment and not anticipating the next? Is my mind wandering? Am I feeling anxious? Am I on carb overload?
I hope you’re having a good day.
(p.s. It’s five days since the emergency visit and I’m doing GREAT! Took a depression test and I scored a ten. )